I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize