our cab driver is having phone sex.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
