and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
My liver is preforming stress tests.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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