We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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