I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
