she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Two words: blizzard sex
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Drunk is a universal language darling
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
