seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
