Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
