Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
