just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
