I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize