Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
