we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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