I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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