All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
A+ Viking dick
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize