if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i wish my penis had a tongue
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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