they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize