whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
