I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
