I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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