you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
COCAINE IS GR8
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
