My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
