Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
there is puke in my bra ... again
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
