I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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