Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
