Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
