I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
All I want is dick and wine.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
