Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
