he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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