I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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