Sober January is a disaster.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
