this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Four minutes until I can fart!
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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