i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
