i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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