Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize