i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize