I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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