And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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