Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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