I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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