will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
