I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Less talking, more tequila
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
