a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
