she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
