I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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