I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
its not stalking. its research.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
