So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Of course I have a pirate flag
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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