The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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