if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
