I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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