Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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