Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
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