so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
