And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
