I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize