i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
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