I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
