I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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