Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
the night ended with taco bell and tears
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
