I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
