i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Randomize
