we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
