I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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