are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize