I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
vagina is talking i cant
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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