you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize