Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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